Fuck Me in the Ass Cause i Love Jesus : un titolo (che premierei come Miglior Titolo di Canzone di Sempre), un’istanza.
Due ragazze, il duo Garfunkel & Oates (la ragazza coi capelli nera è stata in svariate puntate delle sitcom “Aiutami Hope” e “The Big Bang Theory“), si sono ingegnate e hanno scritto una EPICA canzone sulle ragazze cristiane non sposate che decidono di fare sesso anale perchè “è il sesso che Dio non vede”.
Secondo la Bibbia, il sesso anale non è proibito perchè non vi è fatto riferimento da nessuna parte quindi, chiaramente, le ragazze cristiane dalla fede di ferro devono escogitare altri stratagemmi per non essere considerate delle donnacce da quattro soldi da Gesu’ e il Santo Padre.
Nel video ufficiale per Fuck Me in the Ass Cause i Love Jesus (parodia, piu che canzone, ma l’avrete capito) Garfunkel & Oates ci mostrano tutte le situazioni tipiche da ragazze cristiane e molto di piu’.
Per chi volesse capire proprio ogni parola, qui sotto vi lascio il testo di Fuck Me in the Ass Cause i Love Jesus. Ve lo avrei semplicemente linkato, ma la canzone non si trova su nessun aggregatore online di testi (non che ci sia esattamente da stupirsi).
Pero’, credetemi, se volete farvi quattro risate di pura e dissacrante ironia e sarcasmo religioso sulle ragazze cristiane ne vale la pena.
Fuck Me in the Ass Cause i Love Jesus
All my life I’ve been good to what my mom and dad and God say I should
Go to church and bible school .. to live by God’s rule
So whatever people tell me that the Bible tells me, I will do
Walk the halls of my school with my purity ring
Unlike those other girls, I’ve got my morals in check
It was easy to do till I got a boyfriend
And pardon my French, but he’s cute as heck
And I made a pact
To keep my hymen intact
And Jesus and I are tight
Never learned about the birds and bees
I was taught to keep an aspirin in between my knees
Because the Bible says premarital sex is wrong
But Jason says that guys can’t wait that long
And I don’t want to lose him
To someone who’ll do him
I need to figure something out
Well, there’s a loophole in the scripture that works really well
So I can get him off without going to hell
It’s my hail Mary full of grace
In Jesus’ name, we go to fifth base
Oh, thank you for making me holy
And thank you for giving me holes to choose from
And since I’m not a godless whore
He’ll have to come in the back door
Therefore
Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus
The good lord would want it that way
It’s the sweet sensation of a throbbing rationalization
It’s just between you and me
Because everyone knows it’s the sex that God can’t see
It’s hard to be as pure as me
To resist the urge to lose my vaginal virginity
To wait until my marriage bed
To give my husband my unsullied maidenhead
So take your cock out
Shove it in my ass
Fuck me until you come
Oops!
I mean let’s join our souls
And unite our bodies
And fly with the wings of God
Whatever you do, don’t touch my clitoris
If you ring Satan’s doorbell, God can’t ignore this
And no prophylactics when you put it in
Because birth control’s for sluts, and it’s a sin
I’ve emptied my bowels
And laid out the towels
I’m ready for romance
I’m praying to the power that’s the highest
But of all of my holes, this one’s the driest
And we can’t procreate if we anally copulate
And God’s OK with sodomy, but only if you’re straight
And I’m staying pure no matter what
So I’m OK with everything but
Everything but
Everything butt
Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus
The good lord would want it that way
Give me that sweet sensation of throbbing rationalization
It’s just between you and me
Because everyone knows it’s the sex that God can’t see
I do whatever the Bible tells me to
Except for the parts that I choose to ignore
Because they’re unrealistic and inconvenient
But the rest, I live by for sure
So let’s not talk about how the good book
Bans shellfish, polyester and divorce
And how it condones slavery and killing gays
Because those parts don’t count of course
Let’s cherry pick the part about losing my cherry
And ? for ambiguities and omissions
And circumvent any real sacrifice
And still feel pious in my arbitrary parroted positions
And don’t you dare question my convictions
And don’t look closely at the contradictions
Just focus on the sacrificial crucifixion
And have faith in its complete jurisdiction
It’s the only way to measure if you’re good or not
And when you’re in a debate, just say to have faith
Because when up against logic it’s the only card you’ve got
So close your eyes
Take a deep breath
And
Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus
The good lord would want it that way
Give me that sweet sensation of irrational rationalization
It’s just between you and me
Because everyone knows it’s the sex that God can’t see
Yeah, my chastity belt has locks
So sometimes you need to think outside the box
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